Depression

Well, I don't even know how long it has been since I wrote in here. I am completely depressed, discouraged, and frustrated!!! I will admit I haven't done anything toward my weight loss in a long time. The reason for that is because part of me doesn't want to lose weight. What?! You read that right. Part of me doesn’t want to lose weight. Why? Well, I am a cab driver and when I'm fat the drunks don't hit on me as bad. Oh, I still get hit on, but not like I do when I am smaller. That may sound like an excuse, but really it isn't!

On the other hand, I am so sick of being fat! I'm tired of being winded by the time I get to the top of a flight of stairs. I'm tired of being sedentary. And I'm tired of what I see when I look in the mirror! I see some of the cutest clothes that are always too small. I was watching TV today and they were taking clothes that they had found at thrift stores and did some minor changes to them, like cut off the sleeves or add faux fur or add some bling and they were so cute! But finding fat clothes in thrift stores is just as, if not more, difficult than finding affordable clothes in clothing stores.

For the most part I don't FEEL fat. I am confident and walk with my head held high and I genuinely feel good about myself until I look in a mirror or walk up the stairs. I have removed all full body mirrors from the house. Now, I'm thinking about putting them everywhere! Maybe seeing how disgusting I look all the time will help me get motivated!

The other problem is money! Healthy food is so expensive! I'm a cab driver. I don't have a lot of money. This economy is making it harder and harder to pay the bills, let alone eat right.  I'm ready to make some changes!

Week Nine

I have been sick this past week. Therefore, I didn't exercise at all. My diet wasn't bad as all I was in the mood for was whole wheat bagels with peanut butter, chicken noodle soup, and orange juice. I forgot to weigh on Friday and didn't feel like writing this blog. Today is Monday. I feel MUCH better and I'm ready to get back to work on my weight. I have already worked out this morning! Yay!

Week Eight

Well, this week has been an interesting one. I have only worked out two days, Monday and Tuesday. I have also eaten some not-so-good foods this week.

Saturday morning, I missed the group walk/run because I was up until 2am Friday night working on some history review with Abby to get ready for the new school year. Saturday afternoon we went to Josh and Rebecca's wedding (which was BEAUTIFUL). When we returned home, we had finally received Abby's curriculum in the mail, but when I opened the box (which seemed small to me) I discovered only Language Arts was present. Long story short, I misunderstood the contract with the provider and we will only get one subject at a time every other month unless I pay for the whole school year up front. That means I have to come up with an extra $500 this month to get her history, science and Algebra books. I will work six days a week to pull this off.

School started on Thursday, so I have also been extremely busy. I designed a record/assignment book that is specific to our needs. I got Abby going on the subjects we have: Language Arts, Bible, French, and Driver's Education. Her co-op classes (which meet on Mondays) will have some history and science, as well as personal finance so that will be enough to get her rolling.

I prayed about the situation and after much internal struggle, I sent Dean an email Tuesday night telling him that I am going to have to drop out of the marathon training. Two problems with continuing with the training were the need for new walking shoes (which cost ~$100) and the need to work on Friday nights. With the training on Saturday morning I have been taking off on Friday nights. Needless to say, in the cab business, Friday nights are the busiest night of the week. So, I am no longer training for the marathon. I am not, however; giving up on working out and losing weight.

Even though this past week has been a blow out, I have learned a lot about proper nutrition and exercise and I will continue to use that knowledge. There will have to be some changes to my workout schedule because of the new school year: co-op classes, field trips, homeschool Fridays at church, etc. Fortunately, Tuesdays and Thursdays my schedule is pretty flexible (except for the occasional field trip), so I will be able to go to aerobics again. I'm excited about that.

I did not weigh today because I was afraid of what the scale would tell me. Until next week...

Week Seven

Friday, July 29
I was thinking about what Dean said. He had mentioned that what had happened to me Sat, July 23 is what is known as "hitting the wall". It is a mental barrier that is often harder to overcome than the physical barriers. It is the "I can't do this! What was I thinking? My body isn't ready!" He said something about endurance and that it is difficult to endure when we live in a right here, right now world. I KNOW endurance! That is what I needed to cope with Myles and Jessica's deaths. That is what I needed to write two full-length books, and halfway through the one I'm working on now. And that is what is getting me through this time waiting for my husband to come along! If I can endure through those things, I can endure through this.

Saturday, July 30
I didn't want to get up and go do this workout, but once I got out there, I felt really good and ready to knock out the 5 miles I was going to have to do. So we started walking, but just after the 1.25, I was told to turn around and go back. It had begun to rain, which is fine, but then it also began to lightning, which is not good. So, thanks to the weather, we had to quit early. I was bummed about it, but I figure God knows what He's doing.

Tuesday, Aug 2
Once a year, I have to take a stupid class to renew my cab permit. It messes up my schedule because it is not conducive to night drivers! Long story short, I went to the class Monday and didn't get much sleep. I ended up taking Mon night off to get some sleep. Then I woke up at 5:00 Tuesday morning. I turned on the TV and saw that the current temp was 68! The high for the day was 97. I decided that I should go ahead and get my walk done then. So, I ate breakfast (what Dean told me to eat before a big walk) and drank a bottle of water. I had planned on doing 3 miles at that point (according to the schedule). I brought a gel pack with me just in case. I had 2 bottles of water, 1 bottle of Gatorade, and a baggie of pretzels. I decided on my way down to the park that I was going to try to do the 5 I was supposed to do on Sat, but couldn't due to the storm. I figured I would see how I felt at about 1.5 miles in before deciding. At the 1.5, I felt great! At the 2, I felt great! Between the 2 and the 2.5, my left ankle started bothering me. I stopped at the 2.5 and did some ankle exercises. I prayed, stretched my hips, and began heading back. At about the 3 mile marker I was looking down and thinking about the song playing on my mp3 app. I looked up and saw a beautiful deer standing in the middle of the path about 50 feet ahead of me. I lifted my sunglasses to get a better look. She just stood there! I got about 40 feet away before she bolted into the shrub! What an amazing treat! I felt great through most of the walk. At about the 3.75 I started feeling weak, so I ate the gel pack. Cindy wasn't lying when she said I would feel better immediately! I walked the rest of the way with no problem. My feet hurt by the time I got back to the car, but that may have been because I have never walked 5.5 before!

Wednesday, Aug 3
Today I was supposed to do weight training. When I woke up though, my legs were sore. I'm assuming that is from my 5.5 mile walk yesterday. I forced myself to do the weight training exercises anyway.

Friday, Aug 5
I didn't walk yesterday as I was supposed to because I just didn't have time. Sometimes life happens and exercise is the thing that doesn't get done. My legs were still bothering me some. I was thinking about doing some walking today, but with the big walk tomorrow, I thought I had better not.

My legs still feel kind of rubbery from the walk on Tuesday and the workout on Wednesday. I want to do this half marathon, but I don't want to be sore all of the time. I don't think that is what God wants for us. He wants us to be in shape and to take care of our bodies, but I think if I'm still sore three days later, I'm doing more than my body is ready to handle. I'm going to talk to Dean about it in the morning. We are scheduled to do 5.2 tomorrow.

Due to the rain, Cindy didn't want to take her camera out much (I don't blame her there), so there is only one photo of me from this past Saturday.

 Maybe it's just me, but that fat roll on my belly doesn't look as big this week! YAY!

Week Five and Six

I decided it was easier for me to post on Thursday or Friday than on Monday. It is kind of awkward because the big group run/walk is on Saturdays, but my work schedule is just so crazy that it works best for me this way. Anyway, on to the accomplishments and discouragements of the past ten days.

Last week, I did my walk on Tuesday (7/19) just fine. I didn't have any problems. Wednesday and Thursday I had a major family issue and I didn't do my workouts. I paid for it on Saturday.

Saturday was MURDER! When I woke up that morning, my right groin muscle was bothering me a little. I walked 5.09 miles in 1:46:56 at an avg speed of 2.86 mph for an avg pace of 20:59 min/mile. My feet were killing me! My legs were like rubber! I was having problems with my hip for the last mile and a half. I was so frustrated and hurting so bad, I wrote this in my journal. "I think I'm done with training for the half marathon. I don't see it is as quitting. I see it more as knowing my limit. Five miles was tough! I am not giving up. I am just not adding more mileage. I think 2 miles per day is good for me. If you think 2 miles is easy, you're wrong! Especially when you weigh 290 pounds! I think I need to concentrate on losing weight more than on distance at this point in my life. So, I am going to go to aerobics every Tuesday and Thursday, and walk 2 miles every Monday, Friday, and Saturday. I have found that working out on Sunday and Wednesday doesn't happen because life is too crazy on those days."

Sunday my legs were still bothering me a little, my knees especially, but for the most part the pain was gone. Monday, I changed my mind. Here is my journal entry. "Long story short, I'm going to press on with the half marathon training.I sent Lauree an email telling her basically everything my last entry said. Dean just called me to see how I'm feeling today. I told him physically I'm fine, but I don't think I can keep on. He told me that that is normal at this point in the training. He said I shouldn't let one bad day stop me. He gave me some tips about preparing for Saturdays' distances." He also said that since I was no longer hurting two days later, it wasn't that I can't handle it physically. He said the mental issues are usually harder to overcome than the physical. He talked me into sticking it out.

Tuesday was another BAD day! "OMG! That was the hardest 2 miles in history! I had to stop three times because I was so hot and so weak! I wasn't hurting anywhere like I was on Sat, but I was ridiculously weak. My heart rate got really high at one point and I have no clue why. It was the smallest of the hills and I wasn't going very fast. The humidity was unbearable! I made it, but barely." I thought about quitting again, but I had told Dean I would give it at least two more weeks. I want to keep my word.

Today was AWESOME!!! Today I did 3 miles and I felt GREAT! No pain, no weakness, no hunger. I went to Shelby Bottoms which is where the half marathon is going to be held and I felt better today than ever! That is encouraging! :-))

I also weighed this morning and discovered that I have lost 2 lbs since my last weigh in on July 18. That was pretty encouraging also.

Here are some pictures from the group walk on Saturday, July 23.

This photo was taken at the very beginning of the walk.

Lauree and I were praying about the pain in my groin muscle.

This was about one mile into the walk. I was feeling fine at that point.

The pain in my groin was gone after Lauree and I prayed.

This picture was taken when my right hip was KILLING me!

Every step hurt. I pressed on and walked all the way back.

Lauree had completed her run, but came back to walk with me

the last half mile. She's so awesome!

Week Four

Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I finally did the 3 miles that I was supposed to do on Sat. It is getting hard to walk these distances! It can't get hard yet! I still have 10 miles to add! Lord, if I'm going to do this, I really need Your help!
The heat wasn't even an issue today because I went to the community center. I got so hungry halfway that I thought I was going to fall over! I took a short break, prayed, stretched, and drank a little water. Then I pressed on. I finished, but it was hard!

Friday, July 15, 2011
I have to figure something out. The problem is my schedule. Friday nights are busy nights at work, but I have a hard time doing the group walks on Sat morning after working all night. Also, during the week walking when I get up is very difficult because it is so hot at that hour of the day. I really want to walk in the morning. It makes the most sense.
The other problem is that my body is SCREAMING for more sleep. For years I have worked all night and then slept about 5-6 hours the next day. My body is demanding more sleep! I rarely use an alarm because I've always woken up automatically after about 5 hours. Now, I don't wake up until 7-8 hours have passed.

Saturday, July 16, 2011
Today was the group walk at Cedar Hill Park. I walked four miles today and didn't have any problems. It took me an hour and twenty minutes. There were a few hills, one of which was difficult, but not worse than the one I tackled last week in the neighborhood. The road around the park is exactly a two-mile loop. The first time around I was feeling really good. The second time up that hill I was struggling a little. I looked to my right just as a bunny rabbit came out of the woods and hopped slowly up the hill "with" me. As soon as I reached the top, he disappeared back into the woods. When I thanked God for sending the bunny to help me, a beautiful butterfly flew around me seven or eight times. It was almost as if God was cheering me on! Below are the photos from the walk.

Monday, July 18, 2011
Today I weighed and I am not happy! I gained .4 lbs. That may not sound like much but when you're expecting to see about a two pound loss, a gain is NOT good news! In fact it is extremely discouraging!

Week Three

I didn't post last week because of the Fourth of July. I didn't even weigh last week. Maybe if I had, this week would have turned out better. One thing I'm learning is that I have to take it one day at a time. Some days I feel great about my journey and others I just feel like giving up. Today, I'm bummed about it for a few reasons. The main reason being that I only lost 1.2 lbs the last two weeks! This is discouraging because I have worked so hard the last few weeks and all I have to show for it is a 1.2 lb loss? Lauree says not to put too much stock in the scale because it is only one way to measure your progress. That is easier said than done when WEIGHT is what has been shoved down our throats our whole lives! I do feel better, more energetic, and I really don't feel as fat as I look. In my mind's eye, I'm as thin as I feel. Then I get a rude awakening when I see pictures of me like the ones I saw yesterday. I have posted them at the end of this blog entry.

Sat, July 9, I had a completely different attitude. This is what I typed up on Saturday.

Some days the weight loss seems to be screaming at me "Look how good you look!" Than other days, it almost looks like I haven't lost at all. Today is one of those "look at you" days!

I went to the Team Excel meeting this morning. I almost didn't go. I had worked all night. I was tired and my legs were stiff. I was only able to walk one mile because I was too tired and because the shorts I was wearing kept riding up causing my legs to chafe. Time to get some walking shorts, I guess. I felt like a failure but everyone on my team was so encouraging saying things like "you are not a failure! If I had worked all night, I wouldn't be here!" and "Just that fact that you came and walked one mile shows you're not a failure!" Those words were so encouraging and uplifting! I love my teammates!!!

I am also glad I went because I really needed to hear Maria say that she used to weigh 303! I haven't busted 300 (and I never will). She is now probably about 160 at the most! She decided she was tired of being fat so she began walking. At first she resolved to walk to the mailbox everyday. Then she pushed herself to walk to the end of her road. She continued to walk farther and farther. A few years later she decided to try a 5K. At the 5K someone asked her if she would be interested in doing a half marathon and join a team that would help and encourage her--Team Excel. That was last year. She walked the Murfreesboro Half last year. This year she is training to run the Music City Half! 

So, in summary, I'm not giving up even though I am feeling discouraged. Well, I told Dean (my trainer) that I would do those three miles that I didn't do on Saturday today. So, I'd better run.

  

That is Maria in the pink shirt and blue capris. Doesn't she look AMAZING?!